


Looking Back, Looking Forward

by HeroMaggie



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Origins - Awakening
Genre: Companionship, Gen, Memories, Some angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-12
Updated: 2014-05-12
Packaged: 2018-01-24 12:35:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1605398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeroMaggie/pseuds/HeroMaggie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There's a moment where the Commander looks at her new companions and realizes how far she has come from her origins, looks back at all that she has seen and lost, and realizes that the future isn't quite as lonely or gloomy as she had figured.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Looking Back, Looking Forward

**Author's Note:**

> I'm replaying Awakening with my little city elf. I love the character, love the origin, love that she has a home and family back in Denerim still alive. There was a moment when I was running her through the deep roads with Sigrun - Anders and Nathaniel both offering commentary about how dark and creepy the deep roads are - that made me think of her first run through in Origins - with Oghren, Alistair and Shale. It got me thinking - I bet she'd look around the deep roads and find herself homesick and heartsick. Then she'd look at her new companions, her wardens, and find that nothing's changed - she's in the deep roads with people she relies on. People who need her to lead. 
> 
> This story popped up in my head after that.

The doorway led to a surprisingly clear room filled with broken furniture, dust, splotches of darkspawn corruption and one moldy doll. Eavan entered the room first, her head cocked, listening. Her eyes swept the room looking for dangers, stopping on the moldy doll for a moment. She sighed softly, pulling her helmet off so she could rub at her face. “It’s clear, this will be a good place for camp tonight.”

She moved further into the room, going to the furniture to see if anything flammable remained. The rest of the group entered as she rummaged, dropping gear with a groan. She turned her head, a slight smile on her lips as she watched her companions. Nathaniel was looking a little tired, but overall fine. He met her eyes and nodded, settling down near the wall with a soft groan of relief. Anders was pale and sweaty, his face creased with worry and exhaustion. He slid into a boneless heap where he had stopped and proceeded to tug off his boots to wiggle his toes. Sigrun, the little dwarf she had saved, stood in the doorway looking for any danger.

“Sigrun, come in and sit down. There’s no darkspawn lurking out there. Unless they’ve discovered a way to hide their presence from me, I am reasonably sure that we are currently darkspawn free. Can’t promise we won’t be ambushed by spiders or dragonlings, but I can promise you the ‘spawn won’t just sneak up on us.” The dwarven woman sat down in the doorway, her axe across her lap.

“Can’t be too careful down here.”

“There’s a little bit of wisdom right there.” Eavan pulled off her gloves, dropping them onto her helmet and flexed her fingers. “What I wouldn’t give for a hot bath and meal right about now. A big bowl of stew, a few loaves of bread, wheel of cheese…” her voice was wry as she pulled her pack over to her and she rummaged. “I have…oh goodie. Dried meat and fruit.” 

The group laughed and started pulling out rations. She settled down on the ground, watching her men eat. Her men, she shook her head. How crazy was that? That some city-born elf, lesser than dirt to the humans, would rise high enough to even have men to follow her was baffling. That the elf would be named Hero and be the beloved of a King was even more baffling to her. She squinted at her dried meat and tried not to think of camp fire stews, soft songs, the smell of leather and oil, the warm press of her lover, the shadows dancing on her tent as they made love. If she closed her eyes, she could pretend for just a moment that she was back in the old camp with her friends, not underground with near strangers.

“I’ve been wondering, Commander,” Anders voice interrupted her musings, causing her to open her eyes, “You wear a wedding band. Are you married?”

The question was so similar to the one Alistair had asked her, back when they first met, that she laughed a little. “Oh, well. I was betrothed, but the marriage didn’t happen. There were rapists and the baker got the cake wrong. Such a _disaster_!” She had opened her eyes wide with mocking amusement on the last word. The group laughed hesitantly, watching her twist the small gold band around her finger.

“Truth? I was betrothed. The day of our wedding the Arling’s son came to the Alienage looking for fun. He decided that my friends, cousin and I would make grand entertainment for his little party.” She shuddered as the memories washed over her.

“What happened? “Nathaniel’s eyes watched her like a hawk, his expression unreadable.

“Duncan was there, recruiting for the Grey Wardens. He sent my cousin and my fiance after us, gave them weapons.” She kept her eyes on the golden ring, her finger rubbing it continuously. “Soris gave me the sword. And I…well. I cut my way through that mansion till I found my cousin, bloody and raped.” Her eyes swung up to Nathaniel’s. 

“And?” His voice was a soft rasp in the gloom.

“I took that bastard’s head. And I killed his friends. I left a river of blood behind. When we got back to the Alienage the guard was waiting. Duncan conscripted me and the rest, well, is history. I wear the ring to remember who I was before, where I came from. It’s easy to forget when you’re tramping across the countryside looking for a giant corrupt dragon.”

“So not married, then? But a King’s mistress?” Anders voice slid into the tense silence.

Eavan smiled at him. “Not married, no. The Landsmeet frowns on the King having an elven bride.” She waggled her eyebrows at him, “I suppose you could say I’m the mistress, yes. Alistair gets so cranky when I tell him he’s my mistress.” 

Anders grinned. “Oh? He takes umbrage at you wearing the pants?”

“She kills one Archdemon,” Eavan parodied Alistair’s voice, “And she gets all high and mighty.” She laughed with Anders. “Seriously though, could you imagine? An elven queen? There would be world-wide panic. It’s enough of a scandal when I’m in Denerim.”

“And you are alright with that arrangement? Doesn’t he have to marry? Provide an heir?” Nathaniel had pulled out his bow and was checking for damage.

“Are you kidding? Before we came down here to the ever exciting deep roads, I had to meet with the nobles of this Arling and preside over court. It was terribly boring and terrifying. And everybody tries to bow to me. It’s mildly ridiculous. The Seneschal had a near heart attack one day because I tried to leave the Keep without guards. Perish the thought. It would be worse as Queen. Besides, I have my responsibilities and duties and he has his. If he has to marry, well, I pity the bride. Alistair has shown himself to be a little more stubborn than Eamon had thought. Besides, then I wouldn’t be here with you guys. Experiencing adventure, being a hero.”

“Oh right, in the so glamorous deep roads.” Anders shuddered. “The dark, dank, smelly deep roads.”

“Well, you got me there. But look at the good I can do as Commander. I was able to save Sigrun from a fate worse than death. I can give Nathaniel a way to redeem his family’s name. And you Anders, I was able to gift you a better life than the Circle tower.”

“And Oghren?” 

“Poor Oghren. You didn’t…you weren’t there Anders. I had to kill his wife. I had to make that choice…” her voice grew soft, sad. “So many choices, were they the right ones? The hard choices. I made them, Anders. From the moment I chose to take the Arling’s son’s head for what he did to Shianni to putting Alistair on the throne. I made the hard choices, and I’d do it again. And if in the process I can make a difference for somebody, give somebody a better life, I’ll take it.”

The group settled back, each lost in their own thoughts. Eavan watched them as she prepared her bedroll, watched them each come to terms with what she had said. It was true, she had made the tough choices. Grey Wardens didn’t get the luxury of the easy choices, the easy life. For a moment, her thoughts touched on Morrigan and the barbed gift she had given Alistair and her. She missed the witch, missed her friends, missed Alistair. She missed the camaraderie. She looked up as Anders came over to her, sitting down next to her.

“You miss them.” 

“I do. We traveled Ferelden together, bound by friendship, duty, honor and promises.” Her eyes met his and she smiled a little at him. “But I think, my Wardens, that I have found some new companions who will meet these challenges with as much courage and honor as they did.”

Anders looked away for a moment. “Are you sure of that?”

“Anders, we are Wardens. It’s what we do. We don’t come to this life to seek glory. We come because the Wardens offer a place for us that doesn’t judge, doesn’t discriminate, doesn’t cage. All the Wardens ask is for you to fight the Dark Spawn and if need be, sacrifice yourself for the greater good. We aren’t heroes like in the stories. We are a necessity. I wouldn’t have conscripted you if I hadn’t thought you would rise above the fear to do what was needed. I saw what you did that first day at the Keep. No, I am sure of all of you. And I can’t imagine going down this new road without you and Nathaniel…and even Oghren.”

Anders smiled at that, his face brightening a little. He watched her lay back on her bedroll, eyes sliding down her figure for a moment. “Thank you for that, Commander.”

Eavan grinned at him. “You’re welcome, Warden. Now go get some rest. We have a Thaig to delve and broodmothers to put down.”

“Yes Commander!” came the response from her companions.


End file.
